|Doctor Who Companion Internet Adventure #03 - "Revenge of the Alliance"
"Guys and Dolls"
by Jeffery Beuck
Chang Lee landed with a thump in the Land of Fiction.
He found himself completely surrounded by darkness. The lack of light disoriented him. He found himself sitting on a hard chair. After hesitating a few moments to get his bearings, he realized that the TransBlast Laser Rifle which the Time Lord had given him was no longer with him. Bummer.
He cautiously reached down to the chair on which he was sitting. It seemed to be made of plastic. He moved his hands over the chair, and it seemed to be a simple affair: four smooth legs, a seat, and a back.
Lee stood up — and promptly banged his head on a rack of coat hangers, knocking plastic hangers to the floor with a dull clatter. "Oh, man," he muttered, rubbing his head. He took a step forward — and promptly ran face first into a wall. "Someone out there's got it in for me," he muttered.
He reached his arms out and realized that he was in a small enclosed space, not dissimilar to a closet. Feeling like a mime, he began to pat the walls, searching for a door. Finally, he found one. He then felt for a doorknob, and found that as well. He tried turning the doorknob, but it did not turn. He tried pulling the doorknob, but it would not pull. As a last resort, he pushed on the knob, and the door swung open into the light.
Lee blinked his eyes. He was in a house of some kind. It looked like one of those fancy houses belonging to the wealthy snobs he saw on TV — certainly not like the kind of rundown house or tenament building from the neighborhood in which he'd grown up fighting for his life.
Of course, that life was all behind him now. Ever since his encounter with that wacky alien dude, the Doctor, his gang life was all in the past. No more being chased by thugs with guns; no more drugs; no more smuggled goods; no more murders on his hands. That bag of gold dust he had received from the Doctor had turned his life around. Lee went back to school — oh yes, it had been humiliating at first, but with fancy new threads, an eagerness to make something of his life, and his street-wise cuteness, he had made friends quickly, and his teachers had extolled him as the paragon of virtue, the prodigal son who had returned to the fold, the gangster who had gone straight. His old gang had thought him dead — and it was just as well because if they had found out he was still alive, they would have come after him on the spot. The gang he had betrayed did find out he was alive last Christmas, but thanks to some clever advice from the Doctor, Chang Lee had made darn sure that he was out of town when the gangs came a-lookin' for him. And sure enough, by the time Lee came back, the gang members had all been busted for drug trafficking. Luck seemed to follow Chang Lee around, like a guardian angel.
But Lee's luck was about to run out.
He stared around the the house. The carpeting was nice and plush, the room was very spacious ... but there was something that just wasn't right.
One whole wall was transparent — as if made of glass.
The furniture was very tacky — it looked like it was made of plastic.
The pictures on the walls — very simple, as if drawn by a child.
The woman's clothes thrown on the floor — they were stiff and unwrinkled.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the woman as she saw Lee. Lee jumped back.
"Whoa, I'm sorry lady — I didn't know someone lived here. Actually, I just dropped in — I'm not sure what I'm doing here — I don't even know where here is, actually. Don't call the cops on me, lady." Chang waved his arms sheepishly, trying to appear harmless and defenceless.
The woman smiled. Chang looked at her more closely. She was a total babe. Thin, tall, wide blue eyes, strong red lips, long blonde hair — she looked like a Hollywood supermodel. That crazy Time Lord dude must have beamed him into some Hollywood babe's house. There was something oddly familiar about her, though ... was she a TV star?
The woman giggled. "What's your name, handsome?" she said.
"Lee ... Chang Lee."
"Chang Lee. That's a nice name. So ... now that you're here, why don't you have a seat and make yourself at home?"
"Er, thanks, lady." Lee sat down on one of the padded plastic loveseats and looked around. Plastic flower pot ... wallpaper ... his eyes kept glancing back to the wall made entirely of glass. It was awfully clear glass ... he couldn't even see his reflection.
"Can I get you something to drink?"
The blonde walked over to a water pitcher and poured Lee some water. He sipped at it nervously as she watched him with vacuous blue eyes. "So, uh, what's your name lady?"
Chang Lee did a spit-take.
It all made sense now.
He was in a doll house!
"Whoa — this is too weird." He got up off the couch and circled around Barbie warily. He was going to make a break for the door when a whirring computer printer caught his attention. He looked over, and there was a plastic toy computer sitting on Barbie's desk with a never-changing screen. Next to it was a printer which was spewing forth paper. Chang Lee went over to the printer and began to read.
"Chang Lee landed with a thump in the Land of Fiction.
"He found himself completely surrounded by darkness. The lack of light disoriented him. He found himself sitting on a hard chair. After hesitating a few moments to get his bearings, he realized that the TransBlast Laser Rifle which the Time Lord had given him was no longer with him. Bummer."
"What the...? Hey, this is about me!!"
He scanned down the paper. All of the 'i's were dotted with big round circles.
"Barbie tried to seduce him, but the wholesome, never-do-wrong Chang Lee would not be taken in by her feminine wiles. Little did he know, he was walking into a trap. At last, revenge would be served for his murder of my brother that fateful night in gangland."
Chang Lee looked up from the paper to see Barbie loosening a strap on her gown. "Why don't we go up to the bedroom, Chang Lee?" Barbie purred in her most alluring voice.
Chang Lee began to back away toward the door. "Uh, no, that's okay. I'll be going now, lady... er, Barbie... er, yeah." And with that he darted towards the door and opened it up.
Outside were a hundred little blue creatures wearing nothing but pants and hats.
"Smurfs??!?" Chang Lee exclaimed.
"Hello, Chang Lee!" they exclaimed in unison. He began to back away, but they stormed through the door. Lee turned and ran. He climbed three flights of plastic steps, and made his way to the attic, and tried to lock the door, but there was no lock. Moments later, the Smurfs burst through.
"Hello, Chang Lee! We're going to kill you, the way you murdered Wendy's brother!"
Lee continued to back away, but he was running out of room. Behind him was the missing wall where the dollhouse was open to space.
"Wendy? I don't know no Wendy. What are you talking about?"
The Smurfs picked up the helpless Chang Lee and began to carry him to the open space, where a four-story fall awaited him.
"La la la-la-la-la, la la-la la la," the Smurfs sang in unison as they carried him to the open drop.
"Put me down!" Chang yelled. "I'm sorry if I killed someone!"
The Smurfs chucked him into open space.
To be continued...
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